“Happiness Hotel”


(Pops) Oh, there’s no fire in the fireplace, there’s no carpet on the floor
Don’t try to order dinner, there’s no kitchen anymore
But if the road been kinda bumpy and you need to rest a spell
(All) Well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel

[spoken interlude]
(Pops) Hey, how you guys fixin’ to pay?
(Kermit) What are our choices
(Pops) A: credit card, B: cash, C: sneak in in the middle of the night.
(Fozzie) We’ll take C.
(Pops) Very popular choice.

(Scooter) If you’ve got luggage, keep it handy, but you’re running out of luck
‘Cause the bellhops ain’t too organized and the elevator’s stuck
(Rizzo) Still, if you don’t mind friendly animals an can learn to stand the smell
(All) Well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel

[spoken interlude]
(Kermit) You know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats.
(Rowlf) You should see the chambermaids.

(All) Welcome home
(echo) welcome home
Welcome home
(echo) welcome home
No matter where you wander, you won’t never do as well

(Floyd) OK, the lobby’s looking shabby and it’s got the wrong address
(Dr. Teeth) And the whole dang thing has been condemned by American Express
(Janice) Still, the management is cheerful though the whole joint’s gone to hell
(All) Well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel

[spoken interlude]
(Kermit) You guys live here?
(Floyd) Yeah, but only between gigs, so that means we been here this time, what, five years?
(Janice) Well, yeah, but like, OK, you know, our agent, you know, like, he says, I mean, like, things are really gonna break as soon as we get our new glossies!
(Animal on a drum solo) Aaa-aaa-aa!
(Kermit) What’s wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.
(Zoot) Oh, he’s just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery
(Animal) Renoir!

(Rowlf) Oh, there are bugs
(all echo) There are bugs
(Rowlf) And there are lice
(all echo) There are lice
(Scooter) Sure, we have our little problems, but you’ll never beat the price

(Fozzie) You got every kind of critter
(Gonzo) You got every kind of pest
(Pops) But we treat ’em all as equals just like any other guest
(The Electric Mayhem) Though you’re cleaner than the others, still as far as we can tell
(All) You’ll fit right in to Happiness Hotel
(Kermit & Fozzie) We’ll fit right in
(All) To Happiness Hotel
[spoken] (Gonzo, as he snaps their picture) Say ‘cheese’!

(Sam the Eagle, pokes his head out of his room and looking around at the others.)
You are all weirdos. (He goes back in his room and makes an ‘ugh’ of disgust.)


Music and lyrics by Joe Raposo

“Happiness Hotel” from The Great Muppet Caper

As the name suggests, this song always makes me happy. I was raised by a single mom with an art degree and cats and dogs and a horse. That was home. Mom’s sculptures from art school and Calvin & Hobbes. Monty Python and the Beatles. Shakespeare and a bucket of KFC. And many friends’ houses became like home when I was welcomed with friendly faces, animals, food, and silliness.

That’s how I’m creating a home of my own, bit by bit. Plenty of books and always a pet. Not gross, but comfy. Any tired or forlorn weirdo who I love will always be welcome to crash on the futon, and I’ll put the kettle on.

But you know the homes where you walk in and everything is pristine and the art is boring? To this day, houses that are too clean/new/beige/normal creep me out. “You are all weirdos,” the folks who live in such places may scoff. I take it as a compliment and go back to blogging about Muppet songs.


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